getting my spark back

enjoying things for the sake of it

A few days ago, I handed in my last ever university assignment. After over a decade of exams and essays for a number of educational milestones and diplomas, I will be attending my last graduation in two weeks. With that being said, anything other than my academics has been thoroughly neglected, and therefore I will be using this month to get my spark back.

Rather than guilting myself by making a list of things I haven’t done in a while, such as deep cleaning my bathroom, I will be focusing on non-necessities. If it doesn’t spark joy, it’s not important. (PS: I clean my apartment every three days I promise)

1. Rummage through my things. Now that we’ve done away with the necessary cleaning talk above, I would like to go through my room to stumble on old diaries I haven’t written in since forever, or colouring pens I haven’t used since I bought them. I want my intention not to be on cleaning, but rather I want my energy to mimic the early 2000 movies montages of characters rummaging through their closet and trying everything on.

2. Close my computer tabs. It seems like I’m always so focused on my phone - my screen time, my app layout, my camera roll count… and yet I neglect the anxiety that comes with having four different windows open with twelve tabs each. There is nothing more satisfying that closing all my university relevant tabs and having only Substack and Youtube open.

3. Go home. Finding my spark back is not about venturing out and trying new things: it’s about finding my way back to myself. That’s why booking a two day trip home felt like the perfect idea. And until I leave, I’ll be going to my favourite places that give me the feeling of being home.

4. Read my summer novel. Either “Really Good, Actually” by Monica Heisey or “Bonjour Tristesse” by Françoise Sagan. Again, these are books I’ve read at least three times each, and therefore I don’t need to be adding on new information, but rather enjoying old memories. Like visiting a childhood friend.

5. Put more time in my friendships. Many of them I’ve warned that I would be MIA in May as my deadline approached. All understood. And now that that’s done, I’m looking forward in spending more time with my friends, whether online or in person.

6. Lay down. Whether it be on a beach or in a park, I intend to make up for the months sat inside in front of my desk. So I will be laying down more than sitting down this month. I will be going to the lake for a picnic or a barbecue with friends and soaking up as much sun as possible.

7. Seek things out. There are plenty of lovely activities I could do. Plenty of new exhibitions I’ve missed and food markets I haven’t tasted anything from. Now that I have time to spend entire days without being on my computer, I’d like to do more with people than have two hours breaks with.

All this to say that when you see the new “summer prep” and “summer reset” videos on your For You page and are encouraged to change everything before the end of the month - don’t. You don’t need to walk an hour every morning and cut your sugar intake to achieve your summer body. You don’t need to change everything in your wardrobe and curate a new beauty routine. There is no one on earth you should be other than yourself. Summer or not.

This last month I’ve been focused on editing my own thesis. Over and over again. In other words, I haven’t made anything; I’ve simply perfected it. And now that it’s done, I want to do the opposite. I don’t want to perfect myself, I want to exist with myself.

This summer, I want to enjoy my own company and that of others. I want to experience life with myself, as if it’s my first life, because it is. I want to connect with everything that I enjoy, especially writing, because I have more time on my hands. But I don’t want to force myself to be wise. I would rather not be wise at all. In fact, I want to be incredibly stupid. To speak and write before I think. To let everything ooze out of me without worrying about spillage. About stains.

I want to get sun burnt because I was too busy living to realise that the world around me was making its mark on me. Or that I was making my mark on the world. I want to get wrinkles on my forehead because I forgot to bring sunglasses but still wished to sit in the sun. I want to get dirt on my shoes and have to throw them out in September because I was too busy going everywhere. I want to exist with the exact flaws of someone without self-imposed restraints.

Love,

Anastasia

What will you do this summer?